$10,000 in the swear jar

"Man, Lyla, your sheets are totally--"

I almost said they were totally fucked up.  As a child who grasps new words quickly, Lyla would've started calling everything fucked up.  "Daddy, your nostrils are fucked up."  Not good.

The trouble is Julie and I have always described imperfect bedsheets as fucked up.  I don't know why.  Julie says it's the only accurate phrase.

"Dan, you fucked up these covers."

We've assigned one of the most vulgar expressions in the English language to one of the most ordinary situations.  Perhaps we need more excitement in our lives.

"I did not fuck them up."

"You and your big galoot legs fuck up the covers every night."

"Woman, do not accuse me of these crimes.  You are this bed's chief fucker-upper."

Secret #1 to marital happiness: talk sweetly to one another.

The other day, Lyla helped Rowan make his bed.  Five-year-olds are terrible at bed-making; best case scenario involves the sheets going from catastrophically fucked up to pretty fucked up.  But you have to praise the effort.  Otherwise they might go to daycare saying fuck.