Horse Camp Retrospective, Part 2: Hanging with Hercules

Among us dads, no one has stepped up as the authoritative voice, so the girls have taken over, and we just sit there haplessly and bear witness to the carnage. All we would've needed last night was one proper mom to enforce the 10:30 lights-out. Instead, the girls overpowered us, each going to sleep when she damn well pleased. But this morning there's at least a lot of coffee, so between that and a shower in sulfur-water, I'm at least feeling more alive than dead.

After breakfast, our group hikes to the horse stable. Once there, the horse lady conducts an eyes-closed poll to determine our relative levels of horse experience and comfort. Lyla gets Simon, a horse for "scared kids with no riding experience."

Disregarding the eyes-closed nature of the poll, I discover I am the only dad who "has ridden a handful of times and isn't scared." So I get assigned to Hercules, who is gigantic and hungry.

"If Hercules tries to move you from side to side," says Horse Lady, "use your tummy muscles to keep yourself on."

"Good. Yes. Will do." Nothing like having a woman give you tummy advice in front of Dad-peers and 7-year-old girls. I'm currently cement-mixing pancakes, mystery sausage, and seven plastic mugs of coffee, so I'm not sure any of the alleged tummy muscles are even available. I approach Hercules how I imagine John Wayne might, all bow-legged and confident. Introduce myself. Pat him on the neck. Threaten to have him processed into Ikea meatballs if he gives me any guff.

Miraculously, everyone maneuvers their beasts around the oval without incident. Later in the day, I am happy to report, Hercules throws a dad off. One without tummy muscles.

"Daddy," Lyla says, "if we buy Simon, I'm going to rename him River."

"Would you keep him in your bedroom?"

"No," she says with the "Are you an imbecile?" tone she's perfected.

Bag lunch. Tie-dyeing. A rest back at the bunks. Well, I rest. Lyla and Al-Vah run around like maniacs. Al-Vah has no inhibition, no filter. Lyla is calm and mannerly, but she's attracted to this wildness. She won't be the biggest party-animal on campus, but that'll be the girl she chooses to room with. She is Simon at heart, but she wants to hang with Hercules.